Bodybuilding Entry #4 -- Nutrition & Protein Bars

Diet is just as important as exercise. The body simply cannot build muscle without the proper resources.

I initially scoffed at protein bars because they can be quite high in calories. These things are candy bars, make no mistake. They don't taste as good as candy bars but they're about as bad -- a Snickers is 250 calories, and protein bars tend to run from about 200 to 400, even 450 calories. If you're on a strict bodybuilding diet you gotta ask yourself "would I sit here and eat two snickers bars right now?"

The other issue is that the bars on the market are never quite as efficient at supplying protein as a good powder. Muscle Milk's Pro-Series protein powder will run you about 15 grams of protein for every 100 calories. Even the best protein bars hover around the standard of 10 grams of protein for every 100 calories.

But protein bars have their advantages, never the less. Mixing powder drinks can be a tedious affair, especially when you're so often on the run, as us excercise-nuts often are. It doesn't get much more convenient than grabbing a pre-packaged bar as you walk out the door. Also protein bars tend to taste better than the powdered shakes. And perhaps most pivotal of all, eating a protein bar tends to be a lot more filling than chugging a shake. These protein shakes run me a hard 300 calories and when I'm done, I feel as though I haven't eaten at all. Powder is efficient and cheap, so I reccomend it. But it's something that can also be supplemented by the ocassional bar, and of course don't forget the most efficient source of all: actual food. (A can of tuna and a lean, high-portein wrap can net you 25 grams of protein for 140 calories!) But when it comes to real food, remember you need a little carbs with your protein in order for the body to fully utilize it.

I initially scoffed at bars, but when I moved my workout from home to the gym, I found I really needed something to bring. The gym is about a 50 minute walk from home. So 2 to 4 hours of working out at the gym, plus over an hour & 1/2 of transit time, I'm looking at approximately 4 or 5 hours in between real meals, with high intensity activity. I can't go that entire time without food -- not only would I be hungry but I run the risk of my body cannibalizing muscle for energy.

That's where protein bars come in. It's something easy that I can eat after my workout. And looking at the protein bar isle of the grocery store... I was instantly in love. They say alcoholics are alcoholics even when they're sober for years. Well I may have a lean as fuck diet, but I will always be a glutton. I used to have two desserts with every meal and I miss those days. It's been 7 months since I've allowed myself to eat this kind of stuff... and here I was looking at an aisle full of candy bars, all with names like "Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch," "Chocolate Peanut Butter Pretzel," and "Chocolate Deluxe Brownie."

Finally with an excuse to eat crap, I let myself have a bit of fun. I tried at least half the bars in the aisle. I tried 19 different varieties of protein bar, from at least 10 different brands. Here are the best of the best.

#1 Pure Protein
Chocolate Deluxe
Protein: 21 grams
Calories: 180
Taste: B

If there's a better ratio on the market, Giant Eagle doesn't stock it. No other bars will give you this much protein for this few calories. The taste is merely decent, and the size is moderate; like many protein bars the chocolate taste is very heavy and just a little bitter, but it's still pretty yummy. And there simply is not a more efficient protein bar available, major props.

#2 Met-Rx Protein Plus
Chocolate Roasted Peanut
Protein: 32 grams
Calories: 310
Taste: A

This is a larger bar. At 310 calories, it packs a certain punch. This should basically take the place of a meal, if you can't work it into your schedule then don't risk it. But on the upside, it is extremely efficient. At 32 grams for 310 calories it has a better ratio than almost any other bar. And then there's the taste... it's frickin' delicious. So if you can work these calories in, this is a bar to get. Met-Rx also makes other bars of similar ratios for you to consider. (The chocolate was merely decent, the peanut butter cup I haven't tried yet).

#3 Quest Bar
Vanilla Almond Crunch
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: B+

This one seems a bit more rare. But it is very tasty and has a great efficiency. Obviously not as good as Pure Protein's best, but it gets the job done and is very nice for some variety.

#4 Pure Protein 
Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch
Protein: 17 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: A+

Not the best ratio. For 190 calories we should be getting a couple more grams of protein in there. But goodness gracious, the taste. Utterly delicious. Caramelly, peanut buttery, it's just divine. If you find most protein bars unsavory, this may be one to try.

#5 South Beach Diet Snack Bars
Fudgy Chocolate Mint
Protein: 6 grams
Calories: 100
Taste: A

The ratio on these is pretty bad. But at a very slight 100 calories, they're an excellent snack to curb your cravings instead of falling on foods that will do you no good -- and if you can get a little extra protein in there at the same time, why shouldn't you? The taste is excellent, almost like a Thin Mint. South Beach makes a wide variety of similar bars: the Peanut Butter are also pretty good and have the same ratio. I'd like to try the Whipped Chocolate Almond and the Chocolate Chunk. Just be careful because many of their bars have a lot more calories, rendering their role as a dessert replacement almost pointless.

#6 (Runner-Up) Met-Rx Prime
Chocolate Brownie
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 210
Taste: A

The efficiency on this bar is pretty good -- not quite as good as it could be, though. The attribute that makes these worthwhile is that they are big and hearty, they fill you up pretty well. And the taste is good. It's a little bland -- but with how over-flavored most protein bars are, it's a welcome change. And it tastes more natural than most, it has a genuine brownie taste to it.


In summary, Pure Protein's Chocolate Deluxe is the most efficient bar by far. Pure Protein and Met-Rx are both excellent brands with a variety of decent products for you to explore, but remember: ALWAYS READ THE LABELS! Even though some of their products are highly efficient, Pure Protein, Met-Rx, and South Beach Diet all have some absurdly inefficient products on shelves, and this mantra is bound to hold true for every brand you find.

If you're looking for more variety, Balance Bar brand puts out a wide variety of tantalizing-named bars for your enjoyment (S'mores, Cookie Dough) -- however, I must warn you their ratios aren't especially good and the taste really isn't amazing. I also do not recommend the Cliff Bar brand, it seems quite popular but their ratios are pretty bad across the board. If you're looking for something a little tastier, Atkins puts out a chocolate peanut butter pretzel "meal bar" which is delicious. The ratio isn't great, 16g for 210 calories. But it's a suitable desert replacement on occasion, just because it's so tasty.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #3 -- Steady As She Goes

Things are going pretty well. I'm keeping up at an acceptable level, and I'm finally starting to show some minor results. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can judge for yourself how I look.

My stomach is still way too big. Especially if my goal is to have abs. This is something I struggle with. I love to eat, what can I say? I've cut out anything unhealthy but I still like to eat a bunch of times a day, even if it is relatively healthy food. And there's also the crippling fear of not eating enough and having my body cannibalize muscle for energy.

I've got less than two months 'till "D-Day," and I'm highly suspicious of whether I'll be ripped enough to warrant my shirtless costume. But two months is an alright piece of pocket change, hopefully I can pull something out. Now it's time to take things to the next level with the gym and tanning. Still looking for an appropriate gym, trying to avoid LA Fitness's ridiculous fees.

I'm making progress and that's all anyone can really ask for. I'm happy with how things are going.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #2, D-Day 4/16/15

Well, my first week of bodybuilding has been going pretty well. I'm trying to do 2 to 3 hours a day, but it's shaping up more like every other day. With Arnold's guidance I'm working much harder and much smarter than before. But I still lack that raw edge where I'm going to push myself 30 reps past my breaking point. I can hit that 110% fine but I categorically can't go to that 150% point that I feel like may be very crucial to building muscle. Arnold says the only way to build muscle is by telling your body you need more, by pushing it past those limits. My strategy has always been to do more sets with fewer reps. That way I can work out for 3 hours instead of an hour & 1/2. I've always been the type of person who would rather walk 10 miles than run 4. But if I'm being honest with myself, that strategy may be incompatible with bodybuilding. If I really want to see my results, I may have to start pushing way harder than ever before.

The good/bad news is, I have a goal set, and it's coming up fast. My original inspiration was to get fit for the volleyball tournament next fall. But there's an event quickly approaching where I'd be even happier to show my work off. While I've no doubt the grecian behemoths at the volleyball tournament take pride in their flawless physique, a nudist event isn't really a place for showing one's self off. You're essentially supposed to ignore it.

But a convention, well, costume play is one of the primary hallmarks of a convention. And we have an anime convention here coming up this spring. And the really fun thing about this one is, I'll get to be around more people that I actually know. So frankly I'm much more dedicated to looking good here than I am for next year's tournament -- it's just a shame that the anime con is so damn soon!

The convention starts April 16th, and I have a peeeeeerfect costume planned out. It'll be absurdly easy to put together, almost stupidly easy, and it will secure me with an ironclad excuse to show off my body.

Master Roshi hails from my second favorite anime. He's Son Goku's sensei and the creator of the iconic Kamehameha. He's also ripped as fuck when he wants to be -- and as far as I can gather from the site rules, guys are allowed to be shirtless in the con. I definitely won't be as ripped as he is, but if I can get tone enough it'll be more than worth showing off.

I have about 3 & 1/2 months until D-day. Bodybuilding takes years. Is it even physically possible to see the results I need to see, in such a short timeframe? Maybe yes, maybe no. But I'm gonna goddamn fuckin' try until I am face down in the dirt. I'm dead set on this happening. I will fade into dust before I go to Tekko with a scrawny body.

But hey, that's part of the fun. All my heroes, the ones who've inspired me to get fit in the first place, they had to face even greater odds. Aang didn't think he could learn all the elements in less than a year to stop the conquest of the world. Goku and the Z-warriors didn't think they could train hard enough to defeat the almighty Saiyans in less than a year. I have three months to change MY world. Am I up to the challenge? We'll find out.

I've gained A LOT of fat in my stomach over the holidays. I love, love sweets, and I made the conscious decision to let myself eat sweets for Christmas since it's a cherished part of many of my favorite holiday traditions, and Christmas Eve/Christmas are my two favorite days of the year. It's been a hard habit to fully kick, though. I'm also struggling with trying to eat enough that I can build muscle, without eating too much. This will be perhaps the hardest part of my journey, trying to find that balance. But I've happened upon some cardio techniques that are much more palatable than running, so I should be able to slim down when I need to. I may or may not be able to build those abs, but at least I can have a flat stomach.

I'd really prefer not to do a gym, luckily I have some decent equipment at home. But it's inevitable eventually. I'm looking into the LA Fitness near my job, which would be fairly convenient, except that they have a $100 initiation fee... which, um, is the stupidest thing I've heard in my entire life. You expect me to pay $100 for the privelege of PAYING FOR MEMBERSHIP? It's not like you have to pay $100 up front and that covers the first 4 months or anything. You pay the $100 -- money for which you are receiving absolutely positively nothing but having your name entered into a computer -- and on top of that you have to pay $60 for the first two months -- the regular membership fee, not even a discount. It's exactly like if McDonalds charged you $5,000 for a hamburger AND you had to pay $20,000 for the privelege of buying from McDonalds.

If I can't talk them into waiving this ridiculously fucking tyrannical fee, I'll have to go to a different gym -- luckily there's a different one every block. But I reckon I'll start gym training about a month & 1/2 before "D-Day." Arnold frequently talks about "shocking" your body into response, so I figure this will give me that extra boost I'll need before the big event.

Well, crew, we know what we have to do. I'm off to Kami's Palace, I'm off to Kaio's Planet, I'm entering enemy territory to find a Firebending master.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #1: Phase 2 Begins...

This past summer, my brother finally convinced me to tag along to this event they call "The Superbowl of Volleyball." Not only is it one of the higher caliber volleyball tournaments you're likely to see -- it also happens to take place at a nudist colony. And, yes, the competitors, and spectators, are all nude. What's more, unlike the majority of nudist activities, the participants in this tournament are young, sexy, and fit. People at the utter peak of physical prowess. Well, gee, something about my flabby ass rubbing elbows (does an ass have elbows??) with an interminable, objectively inarguable pantheon of Greek gods and goddesses made me want to get in shape myself.

When I was a teenager and my metabolism was at its lightning peak, I unfortunately had a lot of teen crap to work through and I didn't have the luxury of working out. But as an adult now, it occurs to me most glaringly that I fully possess: 1) the time to work out, 2) the resources required to work out, and 3) the energy and physical ability to work out. The one and only variable is whether I have the dedication to succeed at bodybuilding. And, heck, that's the only variable I actually have any control over. So when I looked at it that way, it became clear that I owe it to myself to start sculpting my frame, because literally all I needed was the resolve to do it.

The Superbowl of Volleyball is an annual, family friendly event held by the White Thorn Lodge.

But it wasn't until this girl, who honestly I've liked for a couple years now; she started showing some interest in me and that provided the incomparable stimulus to really kick my exercise into high gear. It's essentially what carried me through that difficult period between a short-term habit and a long-term one, it carried me from the 3 or 4 week marker to the 'two months and counting' bench post. Ultimately, things with the lady didn't pan out the way I would have hoped. But...... realistically speaking, the gift of sustainable fitness is probably more valuable than whatever longer term relationship we would have had anyway (no matter how awesome it would have been, and owing to the fact that the vast majority of relationships don't ultimately result in marriage/lifemating.)

Looking back at some finite dates, I've been doing serious exercising for about 3 and a half months already. And to my great chagrin, it's really worked. I haven't gained much muscle, but I've slimmed down. In September I was at an unsavory 36-inch waist. Today I'm down to 30 and I'm fitting in pants from when I was 20 years old! There's pretty much nothing I'd rather have on my body than a flat stomach. And getting to this point was pretty easy, honestly. I guess I just had the dedication this time. I'm someone with a 'sweet tooth' ten miles wide, so all I really had to do to lose this weight was 1) cut out 99% of my illustrious intake of candy & sweets, 2) exercise 4 or 5 days a week (starting at about a half hour per, increasing to 1 & 1/2), and 3) skip a few meals a week (not in an anorexic way, more like "do I need that second helping of pizza at 10am after I just ate at 5am?") 

Magneto's like 80 years old and he could win Mr. Universe!

Phase Two

Now that I've lost the weight and slimmed down, the complicated part begins. I've tried this stuff before and I've never been able to build muscle, because I don't know anything about bodybuilding. Things like diet, what kind of exercises to do in what configuration, I've always just winged those and as a result I've never been successful. But I got a handy little book, in fact it's considered the Bible of bodybuilding, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding. It's an enormous book and I'm working my way through it but I've already been able to gleam some essential facts on what kind of diet to create and how to maximize the results of my workouts.

One thing I'm going to have to do now, is eat a lot. I appear to be relatively "ectomorphic" despite certain problems with my waistline, which means to build muscle I'm going to have to pack on the calories. Ideally these will be good calories, from lean protein, vegetables and whole grains. But even so, I'm very afraid that instead of bulking up, I'm just going to bulk out and lose all the training I've done over the last three & a half months. I want to keep my flat stomach!! I'm terrified of what this phase 2 will hold. But... in the end... I can take solace in the fact that -- yeah, it wasn't that hard to lose the weight to begin with. If I fail to sculpt the haughty physique of a comic book hero (or in my case, villain), I can always go back, redo what I've done up to this current point, and at least I can be legitimately thin.

We shall see. And I'll get back to you when the results are in.

As a final aside: If you're wondering why Entry #1 starts with Phase 2, well, it's easy to get a lot of enthusiasm for something, for a short period of time. It's easy to tell yourself "I'm gonna train hard and get in shape," for a day, or a week. It's hard to say that and actually do something about it, it's even harder to keep doing something about it for months. In my experience, the kind of projects where your first step is to start a blog, aren't the kind of projects you're going to follow through with. Unless of course your goal is blogging itself, it's generally more effective to put that effort and mind power into starting the project and then leaving the blog until after you've made some serious progress. It's also a lot less embarrassing to start from a place of proven dedication, rather than gushing about a dream project and then falling flat on your face in the execution. I've done the latter so many times, I figured I'd err on the side of caution this time.

They have this thing called "Thinspiration" to inspire people on a diet. But what do you call it when you're being inspired to lift? Rippedspiration?

Taylor Swift's Ironic Path to Being Taken Seriously

If you've been living under a rock, Taylor Swift has finally made the switch from her archetypal vague mix of country, soft-rock, folk, pop-rock and bubblegum pop. Now she's playing real bubblegum dance pop, with bouncing edm beats and carefree lyrics, like Katy Perry or Lady Gaga.

Taylor Swift's organic pop style is the main thing that drew me to her initially. The soft-verse/loud-chorus dynamic of You Belong With Me was a picturesque and spot-on reiteration of the proud tradition typified in rock music by Led Zeppelin and Nirvana. Up until very recently, all her songs boasted a rich, full, live-sounding rock band behind them with drums, bass, and many guitars. Today's indie and modern rock sounds more like U2 and Yes than it does like my favorite rock artists: countrified crooners Neil Young and Tom Petty. But Taylor's music shares many of the qualities I adored about the music I grew up on from Petty & Neil: folksy organic instrumentations, straight-forward honest lyrics about life & love, and catchy verse/chorus structure. Tom Petty actually writes more love songs than Taylor.

Pop Theory

That being said, I love dance pop very much. And I was thrilled that Taylor finally changed up her style. I love her first four records, but I'm someone who craves varity. Besides, let's face it, she's been playing the same style for at least 3 records, but the first of that ilk is still by far the best: 2009's Fearless. It was time for her to change her style, she's done all she can in the old format right now. When she comes back to organic pop in the future, it'll be fresh and she'll be better equipped to make it really awesome.

When Red came out in 2012, it was supposed to be her transformation into pop. But instead, all the songs were the same as before. A couple of them had some electronic elements thrown on top, but listen closely to I Knew You Were Trouble -- hear that rhythm guitar holding the song together? Even her forays into dance pop still sounded like she wrote them in her bedroom on an acoustic guitar. So when the first single for her 2014 album came out, and it was real, EDM-pumping dance pop, I was thrilled. I'm really glad that Taylor is capable of doing different styles of music, and I'm excited to hear what she's going to do with this one. If nothing else, this will be her best dance pop album to date (since it's her only one), and that's worth more to me than just being her second, third, or fourth best pop-rock album.

A lot of fans aren't happy about the new direction. These are people who've been growing up with Taylor and wanting her to go in a more mature direction with her music. To a Taylor fan, going from deep songs like Ronan and All Too Well, to the bubblegum pop of Shake It Off, is a step down. But as a more critical connisseur of modern pop, I think I see the hidden agenda behind the switch. Don't get me wrong -- the primary reason Taylor is moving to dance pop is so she can fulfill her prophecy as the Stallion Who Mounts the World and finally conquer all four corners of the globe. Every new record thus far has seen a huge jump in her popularity and now her style will be the most accessible of all; she's going to be bigger than Jesus. But there's another advantage to making that switch. In the long-term, Taylor may finally get the respect she deserves.

Pop Hierarchy

One thing that has always annoyed me is how bubblegum dance-pop artists like Lady Gaga are touted as 'legitimate pop artisans' whereas Taylor Swift, who writes much more of her own music, plays much more of her own instrumentations, and writes equally-if-not-more complex lyrics, has roundly been written-off as a children's fad by the mainstream pop press. Even when they're praising her business ingenuity or inescapable popularity, it's done with an implied asterisk of "she's popular because little kids like her." Obviously, all branches of Top 40 have a huge youth audience. But there's an understanding that EDM, R&B-tinged artists like Gaga, Bruno Mars or Rihanna skew more into the teens, 20s, and adult contemporary audiences, while Taylor is placed closer to the children's market with the likes of Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber.

As time has gone on, and Taylor's enduring popularity has proven steadfast, pop critics have slowly warmed up to her charms. Even so, she doesn't get credit for playing organic music like Adele, and she still doesn't get credit for crafting her style like Gaga. Presumably this is because Taylor comes from a country background. Will switching to pop change her perception? Yes, but not that much. She's still being touted as an extra-fluffy form of bubblegum. Thus far she's not winning over critics merely by matching beats with Gaga and Britney.

The real secret comes in when Taylor inevitably makes her switch back to a more acoustic, more organic, more live-band style. This may not come for many years. She has to go on her Napoleonic reign of conquest first. It could be five, ten, twenty years until she abandons bubblegum. But it is utterly, incontrovertibly, incorruptibly inevitable that eventually Taylor will go back to writing songs on acoustic guitar in her bedroom, like has been so instrumental to her throughout most of her life. When she's getting older, you can absolutely guarantee that Taylor will have a home studio and she'll take her guitar in their to pen lush, introspective records about life and the autumn of youth.

New Beginning

A lot of fans wanted Taylor to get more mature, instead of going pop. But the thing is, it wouldn't have made the impact it deserves. If she got more acoustic, more organic, more introspective right now, the media en masse would see it as nothing but more of her teenage diary entry songwriting style. However, after becoming a pop artist, when she does go back to her organic style and her confessional lyrics, finally it will be seen in the proper context. She'll be praised for writing all her own songs (like she did on Speak Now, to little fanfare), and critics will marvel at the sparse, haunting instrumentations. What's more, after playing dance pop, Taylor will naturally be inclined to be especially deep, especially complex, especially rich and organic. Because eventually she'll want to turn away from her new pop style, just as much as she wanted to turn away from her old style. And that's one reason why all Taylor fans should be happy about this change. Even if you're not keen on the style itself, this is part of a larger arc that is going to turn out in Taylor's favor, in many meaningful ways.

The Descent

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS **SPOILERS**

I love creature features, because I love creatures. But at least nine times out of ten, they're very poorly scripted and the special effects are even worse. SyFy Channel and The Asylum have made the problem five times worse by taking that z-grade shlock and mass-producing it on some kind of monthly basis.

The Descent is widely considered one of the best creature feature films. In fact, outside of Jaws, it may well be the most critically-acclaimed creature film in the horror genre. The film's director, Neil Marshall, went on to direct one of Game of Thrones' biggest episodes.

Genre Perfection

I first watched The Descent a few years ago on recommendation. But horror films can rely as much on your incidental mood as they can on anything else, in order for them to be effective. I enjoyed The Descent and I could tell it was a well made film, but it was also like the fifth film I had watched that night and I just wasn't really in the mood for the kind of film it turned out to be. I knew someday I'd have to go back and give it a proper view. Then, for whatever reason, a couple weeks ago I was struck with the insatiable urge to watch The Descent. And I'm happy to say, it was every bit as good as I had been expecting. I'm now pleased to rank it among the best of horror, especially for being so good in a subgenre that sadly is so poor.

It's a clever and well-built film throughout. A movie where the monsters are the only obstacle can sometimes be too simplistic or bland. A lot of monster movies remedy this by putting in some asinine human angle, where bad humans are leading the rest of the group to the slaughter. Rather than following that cliche', The Descent fills the gaps by depicting the myriad treacheries of spelunking. The monsters don't even show up for probably 45 minutes, maybe even an hour, and it works out perfectly. It's claustrophobic, nerve-wracking, and a little bit beautiful to endure these daring cave adventures, especially knowing that they've entered an unknown, uncharted cave. These kinds of innate, physical horrors are vastly underused in a horror genre overripe with far too many knife-wielding maniacs and two-bit hauntings. That makes The Descent not only a godsend to the creature feature category, but also an indispensable classic for man vs. nature horror as well.

Horror Magic

My favorite thing about the horror genre isn't the fear, it's the wonder. Within the context of this dark mayhem you often find kernels of true awe and amazement: moments where that which is imaginary feels truly real. I don't know what it is about horror that makes this so much more effective to me than it is in feel-good fantasy films like, say, The Waterhorse. Maybe it's the scarcity and rarity of it, or an inherent cynicism that tells me fantasy elements which try to kill you are more realistic than fantasy elements which want to hug you. Or maybe I just find horror films more immersive, and in my immersed state I'm more open to being moved by fantasy elements. But whatever the reason why, dark films like The Blair Witch Project, Pan's Labyrinth, and Trick 'r Treat illicit in me that same sense of soaring spectacle that is more unanimously experienced in films like Jurassic Park and E.T.

The Descent also boasts one of the best scenes of this "horror-magic." The group's way back has been blocked, and they're travelling deeper into the Earth with limited resources on the slim hope that they might find a way back above ground. They don't know if they will even live to survive the day. But travelling down through this uncharted, undiscovered cave, they find prehistoric cave paintings. There's this brief, spare moment of utter transcendence where it dawns upon them they're the first people to see these paintings in at least a hundred years (since the last set of doomed explorers), possibly tens of thousands. They want to stop and stare, but can't waste the battery power on their equipment. This scene is as magic as anything from Spielberg.

Regarding the Ending

The version I watched featured the U.S. theatrical ending, where our protagonist escapes the cave and drives off into the sunset. On Youtube I watched the "Unrated" ending, which is really just the U.K. theatrical ending. The U.K. ending is this really gorgeous scene, where Sarah's escape was merely a hallucination. Still in the cave and facing imminent death, she hallucinates the familiar vision of her daughter and her birthday cake, and she gets this completely amazing, twisted smile on her face.

I'm torn on which ending I prefer, because I really love them both. The U.K. ending is grim and beautiful and dark. But I honestly think the U.S. ending hit me harder, believe it or not. Killing off the final character at the end of a horror film is such a common finale. It's terribly depressing in the sense that they go through all this suffering in the hopes that they will survive, and then the audience's hope is dashed. But on the other hand, killing them at the end is a sort of catharsis where -- in a certain sense, all the horrors the audience has endured, are released into the ether. You kill the character, the ordeal is over. Watching Sarah submit to death in the U.K. ending left me less disturbed than seeing her survive in the U.S. version because I imagined her having to survive with all that brutal baggage. It was like her suffering had only just begun. But both endings are great and impactful in their unique way.

Is This Real Life?

I had read on the internet that some people believe the monsters in the film are imaginary, so that was the thought constantly dominating my mind during this viewing. I was dilligently on the look out for clues to corroborate or contradict that theory.

For a while, it looks pretty plausible that the crawlers could have been imaginary. We have it clearly stated before entering the cave that auditory and visual hallucinations can be side-effects of hardcore spelunking. We find the mutilated deer which plants the image in the people's minds that there could be some kind of monster predator in the area. Finally, we have the cave paintings which incite thoughts of primitive, potentially monstrous humanoids. Then we have the fact that Sarah doesn't eat lunch with the rest of the group. Hunger and dehydration can greatly contribute to these types of hallucinations.

So it seemed like a pretty good base for som imaginary monsters. In the dark, dripping water can sound like a creature, rocks on the ground can feel like bones. Sarah is the first one who sees them. Paranoia and mass-hysteria can ensue when someone says they see something. That's perfectly natural. Point your flashlight at the wall and say "there it is, the monster!" It's no surprise that the rest of the group thinks they see it, too. That's how their first encounter with the crawlers goes.

Problem is, that first encounter is the only one you can explain away with hallucinations. After that, every member of the group gets extremely physical with these creatures. There are not just a few but countless scenes of physical brawls with these monsters that can't be equated to paranoid delusions. If the battles were even a little bit toned down, I could start to buy the hallucination angle. But they're so very physical. By the end we have Juno and Sarah fighting them virtually in unison. It just strikes me as unlikely.

In order to go along with the theory that Sarah is imagining things and she kills everyone, you have to throw out the entire film. You have to accept that nothing we see in the film is even remotely what happened -- Sarah kills everyone and *after* the fact, her damaged mind composes this broad fantasy to protect her from the truth. That's a perfectly valid interpretation if you choose to use it, but I prefer to believe that what the audience sees can at least connect to what really happened.

I further find the theory of Sarah killing everyone to be highly unworkable because the one person who Sarah actually has reason to kill -- the one person who actually DID let one of the group die, and the person who slept with Sarah's husband -- Sarah doesn't kill Juno, she merely maims her and leaves her to the crawlers. You expect me to believe Sarah was ruthless on everyone else but took mercy on the only person she had motive to hate? Doesn't make sense. Besides, if there are no crawlers, Juno could still crawl her way out of the cave (hypothetically).

Ultimately, here's my take. The idea of the crawlers being imaginary is something that Neil Marshall himself has mentioned as a possibility they were working with. But ultimately it's not the angle they went with. You could tweak the film and make a really awesome movie where the crawlers are imaginary. But the way the film is in its original state: no, I don't think they were hallucinations.

The Perfect Summer Playlists

Over the last two summers I've been working to put together the ultimate summer playlists. For many people summer means parties and beaches but for me it means 24 hours of warm weather, which leads to lots of walking and lots of quality time in the deep night. A lot of great reminiscence and only the occasional party. Here are the best of my summer albums.


"Summer Evening"

This is a playlist for those 9, 10, 11pm nights on that long asphalt road going to a movie or a get-together or whatever. It brings back all those memories of coming home from concerts, going out to a houseparty at Leah's, going to the bar to meet my friends from work, even The Coffee Den's live shows and my long rides to Cleveland to see a band. It's full of a bittersweet longing, a lingering memory of pasts that were beautiful and chaotic but which are gone. The songs are of a much more humid, summer atmosphere than the other playlists and they dwell on lost loves, missed opportunities, and some mischevieous opportunities we *miss* indulging in.  

1. Highway Don't Care (feat. Taylor Swift) -- Tim McGraw
2. Run Fast -- The Julie Ruin
3. Fate to Fatal -- The Breeders
4. All Too Well -- Taylor Swift
5. Long Hot Summer Night -- Jimi Hendrix Experience
6. The Whole Night -- Ani Difranco
7. Where Is The Highway Tonight? -- Neil Young
8. Night Moves -- Bob Seger
9. The River -- Bruce Springsteen
10. Lover of the Bayou -- Mudcrutch
11. Because the Night -- Patti Smith
12. Put Your Lights On -- Santana feat. Everlast
13. Good Enough -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
14. Don't Let Me Be Lonely -- The Band Perry

"Piano Melancholy"

Here was have a collection solely of sparce, tortured, maudlin piano ballads. This material haunts me with two unrelated caches of disparate emotions. One would be my history as a shy 13, 14, 15 year old; lost, errant summers spent wandering the streets, staring into space, and dozing off to Adult Swim. The other cache would be who I am today, self-assured and in control of my own little world, although it's a world with its own shadows of doubt. The music is very sad, but this playlist is mostly fun; more projection than introspection. It's like a vacation into another world, back into the sultry summers of two different youths (my actual physical youth, and my spiritual youth as I discovered the brave new world of adulthood).

1. Summer in the City -- Regina Spektor
2. City -- Sara Bareilles
3. Parting Gift -- Fiona Apple
4. Somedays -- Regina Spektor
5. Summer's Almost Gone [Demo] -- The Doors
6. Cathedrals -- Joan Osborne
7. For the Love of a Daughter -- Demi Lovato
8. Chemo Limo -- Regina Spektor
9. Gravity -- Sara Bareilles
10. Forever & Always [Piano Version] -- Taylor Swift
11. The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightfoot) -- Taylor Swift
12. Wake Up Time -- Tom Petty

"Darkkpop"

With the undulating strains of EDM (electronic dance music) becoming more and more prevelant within pop songwriting over each passing year, it's only natural that we've been getting more of these dark little gems: slick, hypnotic slowjams that ooze with the living, breathing energy of club life at its most enigmatic. Full of subtle shade and hedonistic excess, these midnight melodies epitomize the cool delerium of a 3am rave. This disc vividly reminds me of my past forays into drunken party culture as a teen, including my wild, aching memories of Penn State nightlife. It also reminds me of a lot of sweet, moonlit late night drives to Wal-Mart for lunchables.

I added two moodpieces per disc: one by Burial, renowned as the premiere architecht of atmospheric EDM today, and one by NON, charmingly haunting tunes from innovative 1970s noise music pioneer Boyd Rice. 

Volume One

1. Dark Paradise -- Lana Del Rey
2. Young Blood -- Bea Miller
3. Leave Me Alone -- Natalie Imbruglia
4. Here's 2 Us -- Victoria Justice
5. Dark Horse -- Katy Perry
6. Near Dark -- Burial
7. Drive -- Miley Cyrus
8. This Is How We Do -- Katy Perry
9. All That Matters -- Kesha
10. There Was Never a Moment When Evil Was Real -- NON
11. Hands in the Air -- Miley Cyrus
12. Lightspeed -- Dev
13. Neon Lights -- Demi Lovato
14. Summertime Sadness -- Lana Del Rey

Volume Two

1. We Can't Stop -- Miley Cyrus
2. Video Games -- Lana Del Rey
3. Ghost -- Katy Perry
4. Ghost -- Little Boots
5. Untitled -- Burial
6. Oh Me, Oh My -- Imogen Heap & Frou Frou
7. Face of Love -- Miranda Cosgrove
8. sticks + stones -- Nicola Roberts
9. Smoke -- Natalie Imbruglia
10. On My Own -- Miley Cyrus
11. Rise -- Non
12. Mathematics -- Little Boots
13. Breathe -- Dev
14. Do My Thang -- Miley Cyrus
15. This Is What Makes Us Girls -- Lana Del Rey

"Distilled Essence; Supreme Midnight"

Alright, here's the true beauty. The creme de la creme of darkness incarnate. The night has a very special power, an immutable emotion to it. Just stepping out into the darkness fills me with awe, instills me with a thousand hopes and dreams, memories of glory and adventure. These are the songs that invoke those memories best. All the gloomy, ethereal, transcendental odes to shade that exemplify the grandeur of night at its best.

1. Pulse -- Ani DiFranco
2. Supernatural Radio -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
3. Full Grown Boy -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
4. No Title -- Ten Years After
5. Wake Up -- Mad Season
6. Benighted -- Opeth
7. Electric Feel -- Katy Perry
8. Untouchable -- Taylor Swift
9. Long Gone Day -- Mad Season
10. Naked Glass -- Hotchacha
11. The She -- The Breeders
12. Darkness Darkness -- Robert Plant
13. Sins of My Youth -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
14. The Trip to Pirate's Cover -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

And here's a final collection of great summer tunes, kind of a hodgepodge of material that didn't find a home elsewhere.

"Summer Nights"

1. Mary Jane's Last Dance -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
2. Long Nights -- Eddie Vedder
3. Marry the Night -- Adam Lambert
4. Jesus' Death -- Burzum
5. Shadow People -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
6. All Night Long -- Demi Lovato
7. White Nights -- Oh Land
8. Sort of Delilah -- Anna Nalick
9. On A Night Like This -- Bob Dylan & The Band
10. No Ceiling -- Eddie Vedder
11. End of the Night [demo] -- The Doors
12. Bitchin' Summer -- Avril Lavigne
13. Waitin' For The Night -- The Runaways
14. Open All Night -- Bruce Springsteen

As a final aside, songs from Neil Young's album Sleeps With Angels, the ultimate midnight jam in itself, are excluded from these playlists since that whole album is counted among my summer set alongside these collections, as are other Neil-centric collections.