Bodybuilding Entry #4 -- Nutrition & Protein Bars

Diet is just as important as exercise. The body simply cannot build muscle without the proper resources.

I initially scoffed at protein bars because they can be quite high in calories. These things are candy bars, make no mistake. They don't taste as good as candy bars but they're about as bad -- a Snickers is 250 calories, and protein bars tend to run from about 200 to 400, even 450 calories. If you're on a strict bodybuilding diet you gotta ask yourself "would I sit here and eat two snickers bars right now?"

The other issue is that the bars on the market are never quite as efficient at supplying protein as a good powder. Muscle Milk's Pro-Series protein powder will run you about 15 grams of protein for every 100 calories. Even the best protein bars hover around the standard of 10 grams of protein for every 100 calories.

But protein bars have their advantages, never the less. Mixing powder drinks can be a tedious affair, especially when you're so often on the run, as us excercise-nuts often are. It doesn't get much more convenient than grabbing a pre-packaged bar as you walk out the door. Also protein bars tend to taste better than the powdered shakes. And perhaps most pivotal of all, eating a protein bar tends to be a lot more filling than chugging a shake. These protein shakes run me a hard 300 calories and when I'm done, I feel as though I haven't eaten at all. Powder is efficient and cheap, so I reccomend it. But it's something that can also be supplemented by the ocassional bar, and of course don't forget the most efficient source of all: actual food. (A can of tuna and a lean, high-portein wrap can net you 25 grams of protein for 140 calories!) But when it comes to real food, remember you need a little carbs with your protein in order for the body to fully utilize it.

I initially scoffed at bars, but when I moved my workout from home to the gym, I found I really needed something to bring. The gym is about a 50 minute walk from home. So 2 to 4 hours of working out at the gym, plus over an hour & 1/2 of transit time, I'm looking at approximately 4 or 5 hours in between real meals, with high intensity activity. I can't go that entire time without food -- not only would I be hungry but I run the risk of my body cannibalizing muscle for energy.

That's where protein bars come in. It's something easy that I can eat after my workout. And looking at the protein bar isle of the grocery store... I was instantly in love. They say alcoholics are alcoholics even when they're sober for years. Well I may have a lean as fuck diet, but I will always be a glutton. I used to have two desserts with every meal and I miss those days. It's been 7 months since I've allowed myself to eat this kind of stuff... and here I was looking at an aisle full of candy bars, all with names like "Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch," "Chocolate Peanut Butter Pretzel," and "Chocolate Deluxe Brownie."

Finally with an excuse to eat crap, I let myself have a bit of fun. I tried at least half the bars in the aisle. I tried 19 different varieties of protein bar, from at least 10 different brands. Here are the best of the best.

#1 Pure Protein
Chocolate Deluxe
Protein: 21 grams
Calories: 180
Taste: B

If there's a better ratio on the market, Giant Eagle doesn't stock it. No other bars will give you this much protein for this few calories. The taste is merely decent, and the size is moderate; like many protein bars the chocolate taste is very heavy and just a little bitter, but it's still pretty yummy. And there simply is not a more efficient protein bar available, major props.

#2 Met-Rx Protein Plus
Chocolate Roasted Peanut
Protein: 32 grams
Calories: 310
Taste: A

This is a larger bar. At 310 calories, it packs a certain punch. This should basically take the place of a meal, if you can't work it into your schedule then don't risk it. But on the upside, it is extremely efficient. At 32 grams for 310 calories it has a better ratio than almost any other bar. And then there's the taste... it's frickin' delicious. So if you can work these calories in, this is a bar to get. Met-Rx also makes other bars of similar ratios for you to consider. (The chocolate was merely decent, the peanut butter cup I haven't tried yet).

#3 Quest Bar
Vanilla Almond Crunch
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: B+

This one seems a bit more rare. But it is very tasty and has a great efficiency. Obviously not as good as Pure Protein's best, but it gets the job done and is very nice for some variety.

#4 Pure Protein 
Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch
Protein: 17 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: A+

Not the best ratio. For 190 calories we should be getting a couple more grams of protein in there. But goodness gracious, the taste. Utterly delicious. Caramelly, peanut buttery, it's just divine. If you find most protein bars unsavory, this may be one to try.

#5 South Beach Diet Snack Bars
Fudgy Chocolate Mint
Protein: 6 grams
Calories: 100
Taste: A

The ratio on these is pretty bad. But at a very slight 100 calories, they're an excellent snack to curb your cravings instead of falling on foods that will do you no good -- and if you can get a little extra protein in there at the same time, why shouldn't you? The taste is excellent, almost like a Thin Mint. South Beach makes a wide variety of similar bars: the Peanut Butter are also pretty good and have the same ratio. I'd like to try the Whipped Chocolate Almond and the Chocolate Chunk. Just be careful because many of their bars have a lot more calories, rendering their role as a dessert replacement almost pointless.

#6 (Runner-Up) Met-Rx Prime
Chocolate Brownie
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 210
Taste: A

The efficiency on this bar is pretty good -- not quite as good as it could be, though. The attribute that makes these worthwhile is that they are big and hearty, they fill you up pretty well. And the taste is good. It's a little bland -- but with how over-flavored most protein bars are, it's a welcome change. And it tastes more natural than most, it has a genuine brownie taste to it.


In summary, Pure Protein's Chocolate Deluxe is the most efficient bar by far. Pure Protein and Met-Rx are both excellent brands with a variety of decent products for you to explore, but remember: ALWAYS READ THE LABELS! Even though some of their products are highly efficient, Pure Protein, Met-Rx, and South Beach Diet all have some absurdly inefficient products on shelves, and this mantra is bound to hold true for every brand you find.

If you're looking for more variety, Balance Bar brand puts out a wide variety of tantalizing-named bars for your enjoyment (S'mores, Cookie Dough) -- however, I must warn you their ratios aren't especially good and the taste really isn't amazing. I also do not recommend the Cliff Bar brand, it seems quite popular but their ratios are pretty bad across the board. If you're looking for something a little tastier, Atkins puts out a chocolate peanut butter pretzel "meal bar" which is delicious. The ratio isn't great, 16g for 210 calories. But it's a suitable desert replacement on occasion, just because it's so tasty.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #3 -- Steady As She Goes

Things are going pretty well. I'm keeping up at an acceptable level, and I'm finally starting to show some minor results. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can judge for yourself how I look.

My stomach is still way too big. Especially if my goal is to have abs. This is something I struggle with. I love to eat, what can I say? I've cut out anything unhealthy but I still like to eat a bunch of times a day, even if it is relatively healthy food. And there's also the crippling fear of not eating enough and having my body cannibalize muscle for energy.

I've got less than two months 'till "D-Day," and I'm highly suspicious of whether I'll be ripped enough to warrant my shirtless costume. But two months is an alright piece of pocket change, hopefully I can pull something out. Now it's time to take things to the next level with the gym and tanning. Still looking for an appropriate gym, trying to avoid LA Fitness's ridiculous fees.

I'm making progress and that's all anyone can really ask for. I'm happy with how things are going.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #2, D-Day 4/16/15

Well, my first week of bodybuilding has been going pretty well. I'm trying to do 2 to 3 hours a day, but it's shaping up more like every other day. With Arnold's guidance I'm working much harder and much smarter than before. But I still lack that raw edge where I'm going to push myself 30 reps past my breaking point. I can hit that 110% fine but I categorically can't go to that 150% point that I feel like may be very crucial to building muscle. Arnold says the only way to build muscle is by telling your body you need more, by pushing it past those limits. My strategy has always been to do more sets with fewer reps. That way I can work out for 3 hours instead of an hour & 1/2. I've always been the type of person who would rather walk 10 miles than run 4. But if I'm being honest with myself, that strategy may be incompatible with bodybuilding. If I really want to see my results, I may have to start pushing way harder than ever before.

The good/bad news is, I have a goal set, and it's coming up fast. My original inspiration was to get fit for the volleyball tournament next fall. But there's an event quickly approaching where I'd be even happier to show my work off. While I've no doubt the grecian behemoths at the volleyball tournament take pride in their flawless physique, a nudist event isn't really a place for showing one's self off. You're essentially supposed to ignore it.

But a convention, well, costume play is one of the primary hallmarks of a convention. And we have an anime convention here coming up this spring. And the really fun thing about this one is, I'll get to be around more people that I actually know. So frankly I'm much more dedicated to looking good here than I am for next year's tournament -- it's just a shame that the anime con is so damn soon!

The convention starts April 16th, and I have a peeeeeerfect costume planned out. It'll be absurdly easy to put together, almost stupidly easy, and it will secure me with an ironclad excuse to show off my body.

Master Roshi hails from my second favorite anime. He's Son Goku's sensei and the creator of the iconic Kamehameha. He's also ripped as fuck when he wants to be -- and as far as I can gather from the site rules, guys are allowed to be shirtless in the con. I definitely won't be as ripped as he is, but if I can get tone enough it'll be more than worth showing off.

I have about 3 & 1/2 months until D-day. Bodybuilding takes years. Is it even physically possible to see the results I need to see, in such a short timeframe? Maybe yes, maybe no. But I'm gonna goddamn fuckin' try until I am face down in the dirt. I'm dead set on this happening. I will fade into dust before I go to Tekko with a scrawny body.

But hey, that's part of the fun. All my heroes, the ones who've inspired me to get fit in the first place, they had to face even greater odds. Aang didn't think he could learn all the elements in less than a year to stop the conquest of the world. Goku and the Z-warriors didn't think they could train hard enough to defeat the almighty Saiyans in less than a year. I have three months to change MY world. Am I up to the challenge? We'll find out.

I've gained A LOT of fat in my stomach over the holidays. I love, love sweets, and I made the conscious decision to let myself eat sweets for Christmas since it's a cherished part of many of my favorite holiday traditions, and Christmas Eve/Christmas are my two favorite days of the year. It's been a hard habit to fully kick, though. I'm also struggling with trying to eat enough that I can build muscle, without eating too much. This will be perhaps the hardest part of my journey, trying to find that balance. But I've happened upon some cardio techniques that are much more palatable than running, so I should be able to slim down when I need to. I may or may not be able to build those abs, but at least I can have a flat stomach.

I'd really prefer not to do a gym, luckily I have some decent equipment at home. But it's inevitable eventually. I'm looking into the LA Fitness near my job, which would be fairly convenient, except that they have a $100 initiation fee... which, um, is the stupidest thing I've heard in my entire life. You expect me to pay $100 for the privelege of PAYING FOR MEMBERSHIP? It's not like you have to pay $100 up front and that covers the first 4 months or anything. You pay the $100 -- money for which you are receiving absolutely positively nothing but having your name entered into a computer -- and on top of that you have to pay $60 for the first two months -- the regular membership fee, not even a discount. It's exactly like if McDonalds charged you $5,000 for a hamburger AND you had to pay $20,000 for the privelege of buying from McDonalds.

If I can't talk them into waiving this ridiculously fucking tyrannical fee, I'll have to go to a different gym -- luckily there's a different one every block. But I reckon I'll start gym training about a month & 1/2 before "D-Day." Arnold frequently talks about "shocking" your body into response, so I figure this will give me that extra boost I'll need before the big event.

Well, crew, we know what we have to do. I'm off to Kami's Palace, I'm off to Kaio's Planet, I'm entering enemy territory to find a Firebending master.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #1: Phase 2 Begins...

This past summer, my brother finally convinced me to tag along to this event they call "The Superbowl of Volleyball." Not only is it one of the higher caliber volleyball tournaments you're likely to see -- it also happens to take place at a nudist colony. And, yes, the competitors, and spectators, are all nude. What's more, unlike the majority of nudist activities, the participants in this tournament are young, sexy, and fit. People at the utter peak of physical prowess. Well, gee, something about my flabby ass rubbing elbows (does an ass have elbows??) with an interminable, objectively inarguable pantheon of Greek gods and goddesses made me want to get in shape myself.

When I was a teenager and my metabolism was at its lightning peak, I unfortunately had a lot of teen crap to work through and I didn't have the luxury of working out. But as an adult now, it occurs to me most glaringly that I fully possess: 1) the time to work out, 2) the resources required to work out, and 3) the energy and physical ability to work out. The one and only variable is whether I have the dedication to succeed at bodybuilding. And, heck, that's the only variable I actually have any control over. So when I looked at it that way, it became clear that I owe it to myself to start sculpting my frame, because literally all I needed was the resolve to do it.

The Superbowl of Volleyball is an annual, family friendly event held by the White Thorn Lodge.

But it wasn't until this girl, who honestly I've liked for a couple years now; she started showing some interest in me and that provided the incomparable stimulus to really kick my exercise into high gear. It's essentially what carried me through that difficult period between a short-term habit and a long-term one, it carried me from the 3 or 4 week marker to the 'two months and counting' bench post. Ultimately, things with the lady didn't pan out the way I would have hoped. But...... realistically speaking, the gift of sustainable fitness is probably more valuable than whatever longer term relationship we would have had anyway (no matter how awesome it would have been, and owing to the fact that the vast majority of relationships don't ultimately result in marriage/lifemating.)

Looking back at some finite dates, I've been doing serious exercising for about 3 and a half months already. And to my great chagrin, it's really worked. I haven't gained much muscle, but I've slimmed down. In September I was at an unsavory 36-inch waist. Today I'm down to 30 and I'm fitting in pants from when I was 20 years old! There's pretty much nothing I'd rather have on my body than a flat stomach. And getting to this point was pretty easy, honestly. I guess I just had the dedication this time. I'm someone with a 'sweet tooth' ten miles wide, so all I really had to do to lose this weight was 1) cut out 99% of my illustrious intake of candy & sweets, 2) exercise 4 or 5 days a week (starting at about a half hour per, increasing to 1 & 1/2), and 3) skip a few meals a week (not in an anorexic way, more like "do I need that second helping of pizza at 10am after I just ate at 5am?") 

Magneto's like 80 years old and he could win Mr. Universe!

Phase Two

Now that I've lost the weight and slimmed down, the complicated part begins. I've tried this stuff before and I've never been able to build muscle, because I don't know anything about bodybuilding. Things like diet, what kind of exercises to do in what configuration, I've always just winged those and as a result I've never been successful. But I got a handy little book, in fact it's considered the Bible of bodybuilding, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding. It's an enormous book and I'm working my way through it but I've already been able to gleam some essential facts on what kind of diet to create and how to maximize the results of my workouts.

One thing I'm going to have to do now, is eat a lot. I appear to be relatively "ectomorphic" despite certain problems with my waistline, which means to build muscle I'm going to have to pack on the calories. Ideally these will be good calories, from lean protein, vegetables and whole grains. But even so, I'm very afraid that instead of bulking up, I'm just going to bulk out and lose all the training I've done over the last three & a half months. I want to keep my flat stomach!! I'm terrified of what this phase 2 will hold. But... in the end... I can take solace in the fact that -- yeah, it wasn't that hard to lose the weight to begin with. If I fail to sculpt the haughty physique of a comic book hero (or in my case, villain), I can always go back, redo what I've done up to this current point, and at least I can be legitimately thin.

We shall see. And I'll get back to you when the results are in.

As a final aside: If you're wondering why Entry #1 starts with Phase 2, well, it's easy to get a lot of enthusiasm for something, for a short period of time. It's easy to tell yourself "I'm gonna train hard and get in shape," for a day, or a week. It's hard to say that and actually do something about it, it's even harder to keep doing something about it for months. In my experience, the kind of projects where your first step is to start a blog, aren't the kind of projects you're going to follow through with. Unless of course your goal is blogging itself, it's generally more effective to put that effort and mind power into starting the project and then leaving the blog until after you've made some serious progress. It's also a lot less embarrassing to start from a place of proven dedication, rather than gushing about a dream project and then falling flat on your face in the execution. I've done the latter so many times, I figured I'd err on the side of caution this time.

They have this thing called "Thinspiration" to inspire people on a diet. But what do you call it when you're being inspired to lift? Rippedspiration?