Madoka Musica

I'm not as adept at it as I am with my two other extremely bizarre hobbies (TV network programming and composing concert setlists), but another thing I like to do is make playlists inspired by stories -- generally books, but sometimes such as in this case. Madoka Magica is an incredible TV series which deconstructs the "Magical Girl" genre in a sinister and compelling way. I was thrilled to put together a ersatz soundtrack to this show.

1. I Wish... -- Drain STH

A wish can be a powerful thing. This late-90s all-female grunge band serves up the classic desire ("I wish that I could hold you...") with several heaps of self-loathing. Its dark demeanor and all-fated tone makes it fit pretty well for our ill-fated heroes.


2. Magic -- The Pussycat Dolls

It's surprisingly hard to find an appropriate song about magic. I did consider Black Magic Woman, but -- whatever the sinister implications -- it's downright wrong to call Magical Girl magic Black Magic. Magical Girl magic is pink magic. Stylistically this Pussycat Dolls song is not what I would have wanted, but lyrically it works well enough. It hints at Kyoko's advice to Sayaka about not giving a single Fuck and using her magic to break Kyousuke's legs and force him to love her.


3. Season of the Witch -- Donovan

The very first song I think of when I think of any potential Madoka Magica playlist. Shit's gettin' weird out here... must be a witch about!


4. Zombie -- The Cranberries

This alternative 90s jam just kicks ass, first of all. More importantly, it's a perfect nod to the moment of disillusion for our heroes and Sayaka's loss of faith due to her status as a "zombie." Plus its war torn imagery quite matches the bloodsoaked witch battles.


5. Time Machine -- Ingrid Michaelson

Most songs about time travel center on wanting to stop onesself from ruining a good relationship. Ingrid's take fits our story perfectly because it's the opposite, Ingrid wants a time machine so she can go back and tell herself to run, and never get involved in the first place. Well I'll be, that was precisely Homura's intention with her own time travel abilities.


6. Magia -- Kalafina

Couldn't help but to put this on here. This is the song from the show that plays whenever shit gets real.


7. Walpurgisnacht -- Bunker 66

There are many songs named Walpurgisnacht. But as you'd expect, most of them are new age fluff. This is the only one I can find which so much as hints at the inherent dread and destruction necessary for a beast like Walpurgisnacht.

8. Flirting With Time -- Tom Petty

I couldn't help but to include this underrated Petty gem (off one of his lesser records). The tone maybe cheery but it actually hits on the predicament our characters are facing very well, detailing apocalyptic visions of shadow men and an inevitable showdown. Can't help but to think of Madoka when I hear "a flash of light reminded me of you." "I've done all I can do, now it's up to you" seems to mirror the scene where Madoka gives her last grief seed up to Homura and enlists her to go back in time and stop the apocalypse.


9. Child in Time -- Deep Purple

One of the only songs in history cool enough to epitomize Akemi Homura, one of the coolest characters in history. Plus the idea of a blind man firing wildly into a crowd seems like the clear work of a witch's curse. On a deeper level metaphorically you could compare it to Homura's haphazard approach to changing history (basically just trying anything, fucking it all up and then trying again), and the ominous 'ricochete' we're listening for could be the reverberations felt throughout eternity when Homura's activity imbues Madoka with godly powers.

10. I Did It All For You -- Cowboy Junkies

Akemi Homura didn't transverse space and time to save humanity or protect the world. She did it all for one person, she did it all for Madoka. Cowboy Junkies' whispered dirge, dark and haunting and almost disturbing, matches both the content of Homura's intent, and the grim reality of re-experiencing the brutal massacre of your friends a dozen-plus times.


11. Remember Me As a Time Of Day -- Explosions in the Sky

Explosions in the Sky actually have a number of time-themed songs I could have chosen, but this one hits on a more unique concept: Madoka's transformation from girl to force of nature, law of physics, inherent aspect of space-time -- whatever the heck you want to call. "Remember Me As a Time of Day" seems to allude to this transcendence, as well as the vague, almost imperceptible way that Madoka's memory still has imprinted itself slightly unto the world, where her brother is able to conceive of her.


12. Alchemy -- Kyler England

This is Madoka's tune. "If I were a master of alchemy, I'd change everything, I'd make all the broken things beautiful." Its wistful but uplifting demeanor holds true to Madoka's bittersweet journey in becoming a force of nature and its message encapsulates Madoka's reparative mission to heal all the wounds of the world.

Struggling to Find New Music (& Exercise Tips)

Music has been an integral part of my life since I was a pre-tween, but it's always a struggle to find exciting new music to listen to. I'm someone who needs new things to discover. That new blood is an utterly essential part of my fragile musical ecosystem. The new things filter in and keep the old classics interesting as well, through the process of rotation. If I'm running just on the old stock then the system clouds up and collapses pretty quickly.

This fragile ecosystem has been thrown completely out of wack since I've started bodybuilding. With working out, I'm listening to three times as much music as I normally would per week. Which means I need three times as much music to listen to.

The confounding thing is, music is so essential to my workout. The difference between an hour workout and a three hour workout often hinges on whether I have great music to keep me motivated. I mean, when you get really into a song, when you're emotionally invested in it, you don't even feel the workout at all. Months ago when I had my heart broken I actually would intentionally work myself up into an emotional wreck because if I was stressing about the heartbreak and running it through in my mind, I could beat the shit out of my body and not even notice because I was emotionally preoccupied. Probably wasn't healthy (psychologically) but it was very effective, and for a while I had a flat stomach!

But those days are gone and I need music to motivate me. After 9 months, my catalog is really running thin. It was great for a while and I brought out all kinds of old metal, blues, deep cuts from bands I hadn't listened to since I was 14. But 9 months of this high volume play, I'm about out of ideas.

If you don't know me, I have a pretty unique music taste. Every few years when I'm just about ready to give up, I'll break into a new genre and get my excitement up again. Age 16 it was grunge, 19 it was metal, you get the idea. My last big revelation was dance pop, that was just about five years ago in 2015. So I'm hurtin' for a new phase.

Country music should be my salvation. So many of my favorite all-time albums are the ones that err very heavily on the country side, whether we're talking Harvest, American Stars N Bars, & Old Ways from Neil Young, Mudcrutch from Tom Petty, GG Allin's old school country jamboree EP called Carnival of Excess. Somewhere out there in the ether there's a country band with my name on it, a soulmate who could rival my favorites. But where the hell they are... I have no idea. For many years I've searched to no avail. I just don't know how to find the act that does things the way I like. Garth Brooks was pretty good, I got his whole discography for $30. I enjoy him but in the end he's just a couple playlists of good songs, he's no soulmate. I need somebody with the rawness of Neil, the rancor of Petty & his jammy tendencies, and the sad bastard mentality of GG.

Beyond that I'm pretty much out of luck. Anybody got any ideas on how to discover new music? Yeah I've tried Pandora and the like. Not very effective since all they can do is show you material that's similar to what you already have. And they don't do specifics, they do broad strokes. They can't make me a station based on GG's country material, they just play punk rock. And the Mudcrutch station plays classic rock. It's not about what the material sounds like, it's about what most people who listen to that band also listen to.

Jurassic World: Review

The following review does NOT contain SPOILERS. It is, however, quite cynical. So be warned that if you've yet to see the film, my toxic view could potentially poison you against its merits.

Let's start with what this film is not. If you're hoping for a smart, grounded science-fiction thriller like the original Jurassic Park from 1993, temper your expectations quite severely. Jurassic Park was astounding in part because it's one of the more realistic science fiction films in the collective canon and it has a broader point to make about technology and progress, as most good sci-fi does. Like Gattaca or District 9 it deviates from our real world only when necessary and only by extrapolating what's genuinely possible given existing technology and modern mores. Jurassic World... doesn't do that. It's more in line with Jurassic Park's two previous sequels, where the dinosaurs are mere movie monsters and the chase is the whole of the point, there's no broader issue here.

The cloning of dinosaurs isn't technically plausible due to the half-life of DNA, but there are already companies who are, today, this very moment actively pursuing the creation of dinosaur-like creatures through DNA manipulation. Hey, that kind of sounds like the gene-splicing plot of Jurassic World! But, alas, they don't really run with the premise, and it's left strictly up to the audience to connect those dots if they want any potential food for thought. Well... to be honest, there are a couple of good ideas. It's just that their impact is mired by the cheesiness that surrounds them.




Secondly, if you're hoping to gawk intently for a couple of hours at world-class special effects which wondrously bring to life creatures that exist mainly in our dreams and nightmares, like the groundbreaking work done for the original Jurassic Park, you're going to want to rent Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, because you won't get that from Jurassic World. I don't even begin to comprehend how a massive blockbuster like this can get off the cutting room floor with such unrealistic looking CGI. Wasn't someone in charge, wasn't there someone to answer to? But whatever the reason, don't expect to watch Jurassic World and think it looks real. The animals don't.

The saddest part on the FX front was the T-Rex, which supposedly (though unconfirmed) is the original Rex from Jurassic Park. To see him look so shoddy after he looked so real in the original was depressing. The explosions, though, are pretty awesome. The explosion budget must have been significantly higher than the dinosaur budget.

Also, no dilophosaurus. So minus 3,000 points.

So that covers what the film isn't. What the film is, on the other hand, is one heck of a decent action movie, with some well-placed nostalgia fodder and some surprisingly lovable characters. Sure, the dialogue by and large is atrocious. But I found Claire to be both cool and endearing, and it's truly great to finally have a woman take what is probably the lead role in a JP film. And Lowerry, the sardonic operator wearing his taboo Jurassic Park shirt on the day that shit happens to hit the fan at Jurassic World, from his very first moment he establishes himself as the audience's surrogate -- he's the guy saying what we're thinking. And that's clever, that's meta. His mere presence raised the film up a peg or two, by putting it a little closer to the film it clearly should have been.

And what do I mean by that? Jurassic World suffers from a clear conflict of goal, a split-personality. Does it want to be a serious Jurassic Park film, or does it want to be an ingenious satire ala The Cabin in the Woods? The film could go either way: there are genuinely great scenes in a serious Jurassic Park vein, and there are genuinely great scenes in a satirical way. And then there are a lot of scenes that are terrible if you're taking them seriously, but great if you're taking them as self-aware or tongue-in-cheek.

On the serious side, we get to see what a fully-functioning park would look like, and it's a pretty impressive sight. I enjoyed the early portion of the film detailing the technical aspects of day to day park operation, and Claire's involvement in the management thereof, as much as anything else in the film. You also have a couple really scary dinosaur moments that would work great in a proper Jurassic Park sequel. Dr. Henry Wu explains himself pretty well when detailing the creation of the I-Rex and there's a lot of legitimately interesting content for a sequel to explore. They did a good job of setting up a world for Jurassic World, something you don't see much of in the last two Jurassic Park movies. One thing I definitely have to say for the film is that it leaves me excited for a sequel, because the ideas they had on the backburner for this one are the ideas that are actually interesting!

On the tongue-in-cheek side, you have plenty of the most ridiculous scenes in any Jurassic Park film -- and yes, that includes defeating raptors with gymnastics from The Lost World, and the talking raptor from Jurassic Park III. I won't spoil any of JW's scenes here but there are several times when any conscious person is bound to roll their eyes. But what's so intriguing about that stuff is that there were also some highly notable trope-subversions here, some really well-done ones. Almost as if they understood what they were doing. Which points even more strongly to the possibility of Jurassic World being a tongue-in-cheek masterpiece. With a lot more self-awareness, the cheesy scenes would cease to be merely cheesy and they would rise up to the level of fuckin' awesome mayhem, knowingly executed to action trope perfection just like the gratuitous bloodshed bonanza you get from any Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez film. And there's definitely a strain of that running through this film. It's just, sadly, not allowed to come to the forefront, so you leave the movie wondering whether it was supposed to be stupid on purpose or not.

Final prognosis: You're going to need to see this movie in a theater that serves alcohol. Because the dumber you are, and the drunker you are, the more in love with this film you'll be. And I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. Jurassic World is fucking awesome. It's full of bad one-liners and likable characters and, heck, there's a brilliant film hidden in there. Just be sure you go into it the right way, and with the right accoutrements. Get drunk. Maybe get stoned. Go into this film like you would Machete 3: Dinosaur Island. And you won't be disappointed. But go into this film expecting it to be the worthy successor we've been hoping for since 1993, and you'll be scratching your head.

Honestly, as a Jurassic Park sequel, it's not bad. It's about on par with the other two sequels, probably better than The Lost World. It's just, after such a long wait, and after Colin Trevorrow's passionate resolve to return to the majesty of the original, we were expecting something on a higher tier. Instead we got something very comparable to the other sequels, and not at all like the original classic.

Battle Power 1 Million: Taylor Swift's Second Form (1989 Tour Review 6/6/15)

While it had some notable highlights, 2013's Red tour reeked of half-measure. Reaching for something new, but unwilling to give up her signature style, Red was an album which languished in mid-sentence, never fully committing to either side. With songs like I Knew You Were Trouble which added electronic elements on top of what was clearly just a typical chugging Taylor guitar rhythm, I wondered if she would ever be able to break free from her origin as a corn-fed Pennsylvanian songster, writing ditties in her bedroom on an acoustic guitar.

Flash forward two years and Taylor hits her home state again, landing so hard it leaves a crater the size of Heinz Field. This time she returns with an ethos, a fire in her eyes, and something left to prove. This isn't the earnest rocker I saw here on 2011's Speak Now tour, and it certainly wasn't the mere victory lap which was the Red tour. This is a whole new Taylor and she's waging war on her past.

If you didn't buy her new album, don't bother buying a ticket to 2015's 1989 tour. This isn't a "greatest hits" set. Out of the 16 songs on her new album, Taylor played 15 of them. That includes the bonus tracks.

From bygone days she played exactly three tracks: Two hits from the still quite recent Red, which leaves Love Story as the sole representation from Taylor's first six years (3 albums, 2 EPs) as a pop star. But her classic style just wouldn't do for Taylor's new ethos, so she reworked the songs as well. I Knew You Were Trouble reemerged as a dark, pulsing industrial track, far superior to the original version. Love Story became sort of a moody keyboard ballad, not the best take on this already often reworked song. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together fared better, becoming a rancorous electric guitar jam. I hope this tour gets a live CD 'cause some of these versions seriously need to be preserved.




For the rest of the gig, it was all 1989 -- except when she brought on country band Little Big Town to play their weird hit Pontoon. Not a favorite song of mine but it's a fun party tune and I was glad we finally got a special guest -- it's the kind of thing that usually happens in other cities but not in Pittsburgh.

Unlike the old tracks, Taylor's new songs were very faithful to their studio counterparts, except they often featured spectacular, pounding EDM intros. It's really good to hear gorgeous deep cuts like New Romantics, Clean and my personal favorite, All You Had to Do Was Stay, because you have to imagine... for the rest of her entire career, how many times will these songs ever be played after this tour? Maybe, maybe one of them might ocassionally slip in as a fringe rotating song on some 2021 setlist or they might be on the shortlist for a 2035 20th annivery 1989 tour. But those are going to be in the extreme minority if they even happen at all. And with every passing year Taylor has more and more she needs to fit into setlists that are, for all intents and purposes, of a finite, unchanging length.

And, about that... It's funny, but as the years go by, Taylor's playing less and less of her old music. And I don't mean her old music as in her first two albums. I'm talking about anything but her brand new material. The more hits Taylor has, the fewer hits she plays! By her fourth album you could already have filled an 18 song setlist with 18 top 20 singles and still leave 2 hits out. By age 25 you could fill that set with 14 bonafide top 10 singles and still leave room for 4 or 5 album cuts from the new record!

But Taylor's not going to play that game. She's not going to run these songs into the ground before she's even old. And as someone who plans to see every tour she does from 2011 to the day I die, I thank her for that. It means I'll be excited to hear the hits even ten, fifteen years from now. I've seen her three times and she's never played my personal favorite, and one of her biggest hits, Teardrops on My Guitar. Can you imagine when I finally see it, some years down the road? It may be my 10th Taylor show but I'll still be flipping out over it because there'll still be new things to discover.

The new record is spectacular and the tour is poised to match. For 1989 she's reinvented herself as a smoky dance beast and she has fully comitted to that role, fully committed to her new music. For now. What she'll change into next, time will tell. She'll obviously stick with pop for a good while but I don't believe this will be her final form. At the very least, when she grows older she'll naturally become more introspective and probably go into another acoustic phase, but in a more mature, folkier vein.

Now that Taylor has revealed herself to be a genuine chameleon, there's real potential here for me as a fan. The #1 thing that keeps me coming back, is having new material to explore. Because exciting new material reups my interest and I get back into the old material as well. Taylor's not only been putting out great new material but she does it like clockwork, too. If she can keep up this pace then she's a shoo-in for the all-time greats. Nobody'll ever beat my personal 1 & 2 (Neil Young and Tom Petty), but right now it doesn't look like Taylor has any competition for #3. Unless Ani Difranco can have a resurgence and put out something really exciting. Or if, I don't know, Pink Floyd or The Doors come back from the dead.

The only disadvantage with getting to live Taylor's career in the moment (which, granted, has so many unparalleled advantages!) is that I'll have to wait decades for the rarities box sets and live albums. And the bootleg market seems pretty DOA these days. If you can find torrents of Taylor live gigs then clearly you're a better man than I, 'cause I sure can't.

Taylor Swift's 15 Perfect Tracks

In honor of seeing my upcoming third Taylor tour next Saturday, I've decided to compile her best 15 songs. Before we start, let's state the obvious. Taylor has a lot of freakin' awesome songs. Many intriguing, unique tracks that deserve to be on this list but were just narrowly edged out by slightly superior jams. Also, as I'm a hardcore fan, you're going to see a lot of deep cuts here. And a lot of smash hits that didn't make the cut.

Keep an eye on my special category, I fitted each track with the best lyric contained therein. 'Cause Taylor's song topics may be perpetually simplistic and even at times circular (how many times as she essentially rewritten 'Teardrops on My Guitar?')... but what makes Taylor's music hit so close to home and capture the heart of the world is that she always mixes in, with the basic archetypes, a few lines that are either uniquely personal or cogently human: little bits and pieces that imbue these experiences with the genuine touch.

Now... this...!

Honorable mention: Ronan

Origin: Single (2012)

Best lyric: "(audible sigh)."

-- Much ado is made over Taylor only singing songs about heartache. Some people clearly have never heard this charity single Taylor wrote to help fight against cancer. She wrote it based on the blog of Ronan Thompson's mother, whose boy died at the age of four. It's easily as articulate as anything Taylor's written, and it's incredibly, painfully, heartbreaking. At one point the accompaniment momentarily dwindles to nothing and Taylor lets out a heavy sigh, it's the most genuine sound she has yet committed to record and it's almost enough to make me shed a tear.

#15 New Romantics

Origin: 1989 [Deluxe Edition] (2014)

Best lyric: "Baby I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me."

-- An archetypal T-Swift bouncy lament, on this tune she celebrates her perpetual unluckiness in love and resolves defiantly to make life into a dance party. It's catchy and fun and it captures the ethos of her current era flawlessly.

#14 Long Live

Origin: Speak Now (2010)

Best lyric: "If you have children someday... When they point to the pictures, please tell them my name."

-- With a sobering tone and a loitering guitar line, Long Live is a slow burn of an epic farewell, an earnest ode to the immeasurable heights and climatic cataclysms of youth: footballs games and parties, first dates and prom, LSD & Burning Man, whatever floats your boat, this heartfelt song is the anthem for you. "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you," Tay sings. It's one of the most perfect finale songs I can imagine, I hope  Taylor will incorporate it into many of her future tours even though it was never a big hit.

#13 Fearless

Origin: Fearless (2008)

Best lyric: "Run your hands through your hair, absent-mindedly making me want you."

-- Taylor wrote Fearless as her fantasy of the perfect date. And in that, it spectacularly succeeds. It's a dreamy ditty both superfluous and strong, articulate and effortless. It really encapsulates Taylor's youthful naivete and charm, but it's also a song that lends her a fair bit of power. We could all use a bit of fearlessness, especially in love.

#12 All You Had To Do Was Stay

Origin: 1989 (2014)

Best lyric: "You had me in the palm of your hand, then, why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in?"

-- Taylor's first foray into true, pure pop, the 1989 album, is essentially one big effort to channel the dance pop stylings of Tegan & Sara's recent work, a duo she's actually played songs with who share many of the hallmarks she mined on this record. To that end, All You Had To Do Was Stay is her most successful song, in that it perfectly captures the exuberant restraint and audacious heartbreak of T&S's (that's Tegan & Sara, not Taylor & Swift) Heartthrob album. The lyrics hit especially home for me and it's just such a fun, forceful, bam pop slam of a lovelorn lament.

#11 Hey Stephen

Origin: Fearless (2008)

Best lyric: "'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel."

-- Taylor's self-titled debut was a genuine country affair, but by the time her sophomore album came out she had settled on her more well-known amalgam of folk, pop, rock, and a little of her native country. Hey Stephen is something of a folk-pop masterpiece with a smooth cascading melody worthy of The Beatles, a carefree hummed vocal, a grooving bassline and the most adorable lyrics about a crush and Tay's unwavering resolve to win him yet.

#10 Haunted

Origin: Speak Now (2011)

Best lyric: "It's getting dark and it's all too quiet."

-- Despite carrying all of Taylor's characteristic flairs, Speak Now was an interesting album in that she pumped it with a lot of variety. It reminds me of (esoteric reference, but) in Megaman games how at the end you fight all these blank robots implanted with the powers & personalities of the past bosses. It's like Taylor was challenging herself to match other artists. On Haunted, she recreates the bombastic, balls-out approach to catastrophic longing which is part and parcel to 90s alternative band The Cranberries. One of her most exasperated, strongest, and just plain coolest songs, Haunted is a unique marvel in her collection, with symphonic accompaniment and wailing, desperate vocals.

#9 All Too Well

Origin: Red (2012)

Best lyric: "There we are again, in the middle of the night. We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light."

-- Brooding, bittersweet ballads have become something of a staple for Tay. And while she seems to wing them out with an effortless zeal, she managed to really tap the vein of something special with All Too Well. On this piano dirge enhanced by crawling electric guitar leads, Taylor spins the tale of two lovers who've spent much of their lives in the shadow of what seemed like the fate that they were meant for each other. But things fell apart, as things so often do, and it's a shadow that they'll never be able to outreach, for better... for worse... for life. It's almost like Bruce Springsteen all-time great haunting ballad, The River.

#8 Clean

Origin: 1989 (2014)

Best lyric: "When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe." {or} "When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room, so I punched a hole in the roof."

-- On Clean Taylor collaborated with Imogen Heap, the #1 go-to name for hazy, atmospheric, sensually dark pop electronica. Not unexpectedly, it strikes me as one of Taylor's most mature tracks, a solid allegory between drug addiction and losing someone you've come to depend on as much as any addiction. But on a subtler level it sounds a lot like it could be about a suicide attempt, and the aftermath thereof.

#7 Highway Don't Care

Origin: Two lanes of Freedom (2013)

Best lyric: "The highway don't care if you're coming home, but I do."

-- Sure, you could argue it doesn't count as a Taylor song. But her presence on the track is absolute, and it's a pretty significant moment for her: she started out singing songs about Tim McGraw, now she's singing songs WITH him. If that ain't the definition of fame... Anyhoo, built around a clever song-within-a-song ruse (Taylor's singing the song that Tim's song's protagonist is listening to on the radio), Highway Don't Care is a pure slab of country romance and it's such a frickin' solid song. It bristles with a strong summer evening atmosphere and the taste of asphalt road, I can never get enough of it.

#6 Better Than Revenge (Live)

Origin: Speak Now World Tour Live (2011)

Best lyric: "Let's hear the applause."

-- On this song Taylor Swift does her best darn impression of Paramore. And it's a fantastic facsimile from the pounding chords, the roaring chorus, to the familiar Paramore themes of romantic rancor and battling over a beaux. It's unquestionably Taylor's hardest rocking song to date, and this live version takes it up to 11 with dueling guitar fury and an added instrumental section. Oh so fine. Added bonus: a lyric like "let's hear the applause" plays oh too perfectly for a live show, it's great to have it preserved in that form here (particularly since it's unlikely to make it onto any other Taylor setlists at least until the 2040 Speak Now 20th anniversary tour). 

#5 Forever & Always (Piano Version)

Origin: Fearless [Platinum Edition] (2009)

Best lyric: "And I stare at the phone. He still hasn't called. Then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all."

-- When Fearless became Taylor's breakout hit album, an expanded edition became obligatory. But unlike her other bonus track versions, for Fearless she actually went back into the studio to record new tracks, and this set of songs was uncannily just as strong as the original album. The first version of Forever & Always was a decent mid-tempo rocker, but this piano version ranks as Taylor's all-time best, bleakest, and most elemental ballad. It's one of her rawest tracks to date, a sparser than sparse piano line with a lightly multi-tracked vocal that emotes such painfully acute sorrow it's almost a religious experience.

#4 Untouchable

Origin: Fearless [Platinum Edition] (2009)

Best lyric: "In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream, it's like a million little stars spelling out your name."

Well this is a surprise. Taylor's only studio-recorded cover song to-date and boy is it an interesting one. Completely, 180 degrees removed from any semblance of the modern rock slush of Luna Halo's generic original version, Tay's Untouchable is the earthiest, folkiest, most translucently ethereal ghost ballad in her discography. The somberly giddy tune calls out to the night with a spark of the divine. Pure magic... a strangely solitary moment in Taylor's entire catalog, like the pilot track of some tragically scrapped folk/seance album, in collaboration with the Indigo Girls. Where's the rest of it, Tay? It's actually folkier than her real collaboration with The Civil Wars -- a real folk band.

#3 Blank Space

Origin: 1989 (2014)

Best lyric: "Find out what you want, be that girl for a month."

-- Taylor's written a lot of songs about a lot of boys, but for this ditty she coyly turned the microscope around at the media circus surrounding her and wrote a song from the perspective of the twisted, love-crazed perversion of herself that she's accused of being! Pretty meta for Swifty and it also happens to be... holy shit, one of the best damn singles she'll ever make. Catchier than machine gun fire sprayed into a crowded room, it's also imbued with the utter glory of youth and that fun whirlwind of chaotic romance. It's Taylor's first genuine pop jingle masterpiece since her second album.

#2 You Belong With Me

Origin: Fearless (2008)

Best lyric: "Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself, 'Hey, isn't this easy?'"

-- The first Taylor song I fell in love with and still nearly her all-time best. The soft verse, pulsating chorus and simple guitar chords harken back to the genius pop sensibilities of Nirvana, but with a 'bit' less melancholy. The story it tells of being in love with a friend who just can't seem to realize you'd be everything they could ever want if only they'd give you a chance at romance... it hits close to home for all of us, and is so eloquently worded here.

#1 Teardrops on My Guitar (Pop Version)

Origin: Taylor Swift (2006)

Best lyric: "And there he goes, so perfectly... the kind of flawless I wish I could be." {or} "The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart."

-- "Universal" doesn't even begin to describe it. Aside from being a masterclass in ear-catching popcraft, Taylor Swift's very first achey, wistful hit ranks among the all-time pantheon of unrequited love songs and, amazingly, it remains her best effort even a prolific eight years later. As Kramer once asked George, "have you ever yearned?" 'Teardrops' reminds us that we all have, even if it was just as a kid playing at crushes. Who's never played the fool for the one they love? If you've never had this experience in life, you're probably legitimately aromantic. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Bodybuilding Entry #4 -- Nutrition & Protein Bars

Diet is just as important as exercise. The body simply cannot build muscle without the proper resources.

I initially scoffed at protein bars because they can be quite high in calories. These things are candy bars, make no mistake. They don't taste as good as candy bars but they're about as bad -- a Snickers is 250 calories, and protein bars tend to run from about 200 to 400, even 450 calories. If you're on a strict bodybuilding diet you gotta ask yourself "would I sit here and eat two snickers bars right now?"

The other issue is that the bars on the market are never quite as efficient at supplying protein as a good powder. Muscle Milk's Pro-Series protein powder will run you about 15 grams of protein for every 100 calories. Even the best protein bars hover around the standard of 10 grams of protein for every 100 calories.

But protein bars have their advantages, never the less. Mixing powder drinks can be a tedious affair, especially when you're so often on the run, as us excercise-nuts often are. It doesn't get much more convenient than grabbing a pre-packaged bar as you walk out the door. Also protein bars tend to taste better than the powdered shakes. And perhaps most pivotal of all, eating a protein bar tends to be a lot more filling than chugging a shake. These protein shakes run me a hard 300 calories and when I'm done, I feel as though I haven't eaten at all. Powder is efficient and cheap, so I reccomend it. But it's something that can also be supplemented by the ocassional bar, and of course don't forget the most efficient source of all: actual food. (A can of tuna and a lean, high-portein wrap can net you 25 grams of protein for 140 calories!) But when it comes to real food, remember you need a little carbs with your protein in order for the body to fully utilize it.

I initially scoffed at bars, but when I moved my workout from home to the gym, I found I really needed something to bring. The gym is about a 50 minute walk from home. So 2 to 4 hours of working out at the gym, plus over an hour & 1/2 of transit time, I'm looking at approximately 4 or 5 hours in between real meals, with high intensity activity. I can't go that entire time without food -- not only would I be hungry but I run the risk of my body cannibalizing muscle for energy.

That's where protein bars come in. It's something easy that I can eat after my workout. And looking at the protein bar isle of the grocery store... I was instantly in love. They say alcoholics are alcoholics even when they're sober for years. Well I may have a lean as fuck diet, but I will always be a glutton. I used to have two desserts with every meal and I miss those days. It's been 7 months since I've allowed myself to eat this kind of stuff... and here I was looking at an aisle full of candy bars, all with names like "Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch," "Chocolate Peanut Butter Pretzel," and "Chocolate Deluxe Brownie."

Finally with an excuse to eat crap, I let myself have a bit of fun. I tried at least half the bars in the aisle. I tried 19 different varieties of protein bar, from at least 10 different brands. Here are the best of the best.

#1 Pure Protein
Chocolate Deluxe
Protein: 21 grams
Calories: 180
Taste: B

If there's a better ratio on the market, Giant Eagle doesn't stock it. No other bars will give you this much protein for this few calories. The taste is merely decent, and the size is moderate; like many protein bars the chocolate taste is very heavy and just a little bitter, but it's still pretty yummy. And there simply is not a more efficient protein bar available, major props.

#2 Met-Rx Protein Plus
Chocolate Roasted Peanut
Protein: 32 grams
Calories: 310
Taste: A

This is a larger bar. At 310 calories, it packs a certain punch. This should basically take the place of a meal, if you can't work it into your schedule then don't risk it. But on the upside, it is extremely efficient. At 32 grams for 310 calories it has a better ratio than almost any other bar. And then there's the taste... it's frickin' delicious. So if you can work these calories in, this is a bar to get. Met-Rx also makes other bars of similar ratios for you to consider. (The chocolate was merely decent, the peanut butter cup I haven't tried yet).

#3 Quest Bar
Vanilla Almond Crunch
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: B+

This one seems a bit more rare. But it is very tasty and has a great efficiency. Obviously not as good as Pure Protein's best, but it gets the job done and is very nice for some variety.

#4 Pure Protein 
Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch
Protein: 17 grams
Calories: 190
Taste: A+

Not the best ratio. For 190 calories we should be getting a couple more grams of protein in there. But goodness gracious, the taste. Utterly delicious. Caramelly, peanut buttery, it's just divine. If you find most protein bars unsavory, this may be one to try.

#5 South Beach Diet Snack Bars
Fudgy Chocolate Mint
Protein: 6 grams
Calories: 100
Taste: A

The ratio on these is pretty bad. But at a very slight 100 calories, they're an excellent snack to curb your cravings instead of falling on foods that will do you no good -- and if you can get a little extra protein in there at the same time, why shouldn't you? The taste is excellent, almost like a Thin Mint. South Beach makes a wide variety of similar bars: the Peanut Butter are also pretty good and have the same ratio. I'd like to try the Whipped Chocolate Almond and the Chocolate Chunk. Just be careful because many of their bars have a lot more calories, rendering their role as a dessert replacement almost pointless.

#6 (Runner-Up) Met-Rx Prime
Chocolate Brownie
Protein: 20 grams
Calories: 210
Taste: A

The efficiency on this bar is pretty good -- not quite as good as it could be, though. The attribute that makes these worthwhile is that they are big and hearty, they fill you up pretty well. And the taste is good. It's a little bland -- but with how over-flavored most protein bars are, it's a welcome change. And it tastes more natural than most, it has a genuine brownie taste to it.


In summary, Pure Protein's Chocolate Deluxe is the most efficient bar by far. Pure Protein and Met-Rx are both excellent brands with a variety of decent products for you to explore, but remember: ALWAYS READ THE LABELS! Even though some of their products are highly efficient, Pure Protein, Met-Rx, and South Beach Diet all have some absurdly inefficient products on shelves, and this mantra is bound to hold true for every brand you find.

If you're looking for more variety, Balance Bar brand puts out a wide variety of tantalizing-named bars for your enjoyment (S'mores, Cookie Dough) -- however, I must warn you their ratios aren't especially good and the taste really isn't amazing. I also do not recommend the Cliff Bar brand, it seems quite popular but their ratios are pretty bad across the board. If you're looking for something a little tastier, Atkins puts out a chocolate peanut butter pretzel "meal bar" which is delicious. The ratio isn't great, 16g for 210 calories. But it's a suitable desert replacement on occasion, just because it's so tasty.

Bodybuilding Blog Entry #3 -- Steady As She Goes

Things are going pretty well. I'm keeping up at an acceptable level, and I'm finally starting to show some minor results. But you don't have to take my word for it, you can judge for yourself how I look.

My stomach is still way too big. Especially if my goal is to have abs. This is something I struggle with. I love to eat, what can I say? I've cut out anything unhealthy but I still like to eat a bunch of times a day, even if it is relatively healthy food. And there's also the crippling fear of not eating enough and having my body cannibalize muscle for energy.

I've got less than two months 'till "D-Day," and I'm highly suspicious of whether I'll be ripped enough to warrant my shirtless costume. But two months is an alright piece of pocket change, hopefully I can pull something out. Now it's time to take things to the next level with the gym and tanning. Still looking for an appropriate gym, trying to avoid LA Fitness's ridiculous fees.

I'm making progress and that's all anyone can really ask for. I'm happy with how things are going.