But, you have a great life. (& The Interpersonal Politics of Suicide)

Imagine that you've won a ticket to a One Direction concert. And you absolutely hate One Direction, you think they suck. Now, answer me this: the fact that millions of people would love to go to that show, is that a valid and logical reason why YOU should go to that show, or why you should enjoy it? Just because life is precious to others doesn't mean it is precious to me, and just because others might want what I have, doesn't mean it's logical for me to want those same things.

I've never had any illusions about the fact that my life is pretty decent. There are some areas, very important areas, where I do have every genuine reason to be heartbroken about the course of my life. But for the majority of factors, I've lived a charmed life. In terms of food, shelter, and most capabilities, my life is superior to the majority of those on Earth, most of whom live in poverty. I've always understood that, but that doesn't make me feel better about my life. It makes me feel worse, to know that 1) even the best that life has to offer leaves me completely cold, and 2) people have put so much effort into giving me a decent life, and I lack the ability to properly experience it. As every depressed person in the history of time knows well, telling yourself "your life's great, stop being sad!" is as effective as yelling at a broken computer in the hopes that it will fix itself.

You really can't expect somebody to love life because "it could be worse." It's a logical fallacy predicated on the idea that everyone alive has to continue living, which is a fallacy us suicidal people have circumvented. It only matters that everyone else forces themselves to trudge through the pain if there's no other option, but there's a great option available to us all: just opt out. "Everyone's life is hard," that's very true. And that's the thing people tell me when they're trying to convince me to live. But it sounds a whole heck of a lot more like they're advocating suicide, rather than life. If life and and pain are inherently intertwined, how is that a better argument for life than against it? Why not end the pain instead of needlessly enduring it? Yes, everyone experiences pain, and yes, most people choose to keep living. And just because they make that choice, I should as well? Is that a reasonable declaration to make?

You might have scoffed at the One Direction concert comparison when you first saw it, because, hey, life is more important than a concert. Even if you hate One Direction, if not going to that concert is going to break the hearts of all your friends and family, then of course you'll go and suck it up for a night, for their sake.

I've always been not only mindful of the impact my suicide would have, but I've been vividly open to the idea that I can make things better, that time will improve the situation, and that there may be things about life I don't yet understand. In terms of our allegory, I understand that maybe there's a reason millions of people love One Direction, and maybe if I go to the concert, I'll find out why.

But imagine that you've been going to that concert every night for 28 years. And imagine that your opinion of the show hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse. Of course I don't want to break my family's heart. That's the only reason I've been going to this stupid One Direction concert for 28 years. People say suicide is selfish, but the people on both sides of the equation are serving themselves. I don't want to experience the pain of life, and they don't want to experience the pain of losing me.

You might think "oh, it's so sweet, they don't want to lose you. How could you ever harm them, for the crime of wanting you to live?" Well, why do you think I've been going to this concert for 28 years? There exists a threshold somewhere, by every reasonable logic possible. I'm not going to pass that threshold today. I'm not going to pass that threshold tomorrow. I could be 55 like Brad Delp, or 63 like Robin Williams, when the line is crossed. But there exists a threshold where the decades of time I've put into this One Direction concert, the decades of displeasure I've endured for the sake of my loved ones will outweigh, by every reasonable scale of logic and consideration, the duty I have to not inconvenience the people who know me with my death.

It's something that, sadly, most people will never be able to understand. I do love you, I do care what you would have to go through if I was gone. I consider it on a daily basis, even diagram it and try to think of ways to lessen the impact. And I want you to understand, that my life isn't constant agony. Whatever it is that you imagine a suicidal person's life to be, that's probably not what my life is like. That knee-jerk reaction of pure horror the people get, when I say I'm suicidal... I dread that reaction. I don't understand that reaction. Yes, I want to die. No, I don't think dying is bad.

I've learned to live with this the best that I can. I may not like One Direction, but I can get wasted at the gig and recite Ani Difranco lyrics in my head. Every day I'm fighting to see the bright side, and often times I can see it. The good and the bad days are both rare. Most days I merely exist, with a little good, a little bad, and a whole lot of MEH. But the meh grows sharp, as proverbial winds wear down its edges. The longer it goes on, the more it starts to hurt. Do you really expect me to endure this infernal concert for 80 years?

I have my ways to make the time pass as amicably as I can, but these are mere stopgap measures. They are temporary. For whatever reason, I just don't understand this appeal that life has to everyone else. There's something on the uttermost fundamental level that most people understand, which I simply can't grasp. Maybe I was born without a will to live. I have no purpose in life, no goals I wish to achieve. I have very few desires, and the desires I do have are ones I'd gladly give up in exchange for death. Like, I'd sort of like to go see Neil Young in concert. But if the offer is "hey, we'll give you a million dollars to go see Neil front row in Europe, or I'll shoot you in the head right now instead," I would take the second option without a moment of hesitation. People say you need to make your own meaning in life, but I'm already doing that, and it's already not working. The things I like are things I like as a distraction against life, none of them even begin to compete against my desire to die. Even the intangible things... "Hey, we can give you the perfect girlfriend, but you'll then have to live to be 120 years old before you die." I'd definitely prefer to just die right now. So I'm starting from a position of already not wanting to live, and then you add to that the failures of my life, and the fact that I'm becoming increasingly unable to accept the person I've become.

It's something I know most people will never understand. And I'll never be able to understand your perspective either. So the most we can do is try our best to relate to each other. And await the inevitable. Because I'm going to put up with this for as long as I can, but I can't put up with it forever.